HayU Blog

When your child struggles with the transition to college and early adulthood

October 18th, 2022

“Your children are not your children…They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you…..You can give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts….You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you…..”

– Kahlil Gibran

My young adult child started college across the country, during the pandemic and after a tumultuous high school journey that was complicated by trauma and lifelong mental health struggles. During freshman year, her worsening physical health symptoms nearly caused her to drop out and then nearly caused us to block her return to school for sophomore year. Over the course of freshman and sophomore years, she was diagnosed with multiple chronic physical illnesses that explained a lot about her struggles in college and long before. Due to a combination of luck, my time and effort, our financial resources, and her incredible strength, resilience, pain tolerance and dedication to not moving home, she has been able to remain in school, living more-or-less independently. Her health is improving little by little and she is growing increasingly more autonomous. But she has a long road ahead of her, as do my husband and I, as her parents.

“Failure to launch.”* An awful but poignant term that has become increasingly popular in American vernacular in the last decade. Often we refer to “failure to launch'' when describing a young adult who has dropped out of college in duress and returned home, who cannot seem to get their degree after multiple attempts, or who cannot hold a job long enough to pay their rent and live independently. In consulting with hundreds of families here at Hayutin Education, we’ve identified the following primary areas of struggle, any one of which can lead to such young adult struggles during this time of transition:

Deficits in executive function
Management of medications
Mental health struggles
Physical health problems
Recreational drug use

Nothing you do as a parent can guarantee that your child will not have to drop a class, drop out of college, or move back home temporarily. We are overloaded with parenting books, expert advice, podcasts, blogs, webinars and workshops. Highly educated, high achieving parents have come to treat parenting like a job, or a work project that we will ‘project manage the hell out of’ to guarantee a successful outcome. But our children are of course not projects under our control. If we attempt to micromanage our children to avoid all failures and ensure success according to our own definition, we not only handicap our children from developing grit and tolerance for adversity, but also risk pushing them away, possibly doing irrevocable damage to our relationships.

Learning differences and mental or physical health struggles make it harder for a natural separation to happen between parent and child during the transition to adulthood. Your young adult may well need more assistance from you or another trusted adult to navigate support services and accommodations at college, to find doctors in another state, or to arrange appointments and prescriptions. Parents of these struggling young adults need to work even harder to walk the line between an appropriate amount of support and overhelping. Prepare your mindset that a 5 to 6-year track is very likely for your child. It’s ok to drop a class if that will help them to not drop out. Encourage accommodations for a reduced course load. A four-year path is not the most important thing. A degree is not even the most important thing. Adulting IS the most important thing. Give them as much support as you can to enable them to continue living outside your home as long as possible.

Even for those without additional challenges, mobile phones, texting, and social media have hamstrung the natural separation that used to occur when a young adult moved out of the home and went to college. Long gone are the days when college students had to wait in line at the phone down the hall to make the obligatory Sunday afternoon call home to parents. The pandemic caused delays or even backslides in maturation for many children and young adults, compounding what was already a new reality of learned helplessness among many over-parented college-bound young adults.

Here are some things you can do to promote your child’s autonomy for a successful transition to college and young adulthood:

Before they leave (during the last couple of years of high school):

1. Promote your child’s acquisition of the following top 10 competencies:

Getting a driver’s license and driving to school and elsewhere
Taking public transportation & using rideshare apps with some regularity
Doing their own laundry for at least a year before leaving
Cooking dinner for themselves or the family at least once per week
Making their own breakfast and lunch at least a few times per week
Running errands for themselves
Booking at least an occasional doctor or self-care appointment for themselves
Practice using a calendar on their phone with reminders
Taking over on management of their own screen time and bedtime, as well as with the administration of their own medications at least a year prior to leaving home (work out the kinks while still supported at home!)
Managing an allowance for weekly spending money, including a debit card, online banking, and digital payment platforms (Venmo, etc.)

2. Encourage independence with the college application process (let them guide you in how much, if any, oversight they need from you).

3. If you know your child struggles with executive functioning before they leave for college, consider having them work with an EF coach the spring/summer before they leave to prepare for fall semester (calendaring and organization systems set up, familiarity with their college’s services/website/protocols, support with course selection, accountability plans, if/when pre-planning). Some students also benefit from continuing with weekly sessions with that same EF coach for the first 4-6 weeks of freshman year.

Once they are gone (during the college years):

1. Try not to text your young adult (YA) child more than once per day. Better yet, try to skip days and let them initiate instead of you.

2. If your YA child asks you a simple, informational question via text, don’t answer the text right away. When your YA child calls, don’t answer right away every time. Chances are they will figure it out before you get back to them.

3. When your YA child calls crying or in a panic, try not to jump into problem solving mode right away. Instead, practice active listening and literally ask your child what they are looking for in that moment, e.g. “I hear you are really upset, what are you looking for from me right now? Do you just want to vent? Are you wanting to brainstorm some solutions? How can I be most helpful to you right now?”

4. Don’t take your child to school for move-in and pick your child up for move-out every year, every time. Give them the opportunity to do it on their own at least once or twice over the course of their time in college.

5. Do not help them with the execution of course registration. Provide course advice, clarity and redirection when prompted, but don’t handhold and above-all, do not do it for them.

6. Avoid helping your child with ANY of their college coursework. If they need support, redirect them to the campus academic support center for tutoring. Hire a private tutor for them only if absolutely needed for particularly difficult course content.

7. Do not write to any of your child’s college professors and avoid writing to any administrators unless there is an emergency or a dispute regarding finances or accommodations. When you write to an administrator, be sure your child knows you are doing so, agrees, and is copied on the email.

Parenting is exhausting, relentless, and humbling…on a good day. When your child is struggling, it causes tremendous strain for not only your child, but for you and the rest of the family. From one Type A parent to another, you cannot do it all. Practice self-care, take breaks, and be kind to yourself. Your struggling young adult will be better served if you are in a happier, less stressed state, as will the rest of your family, who also need your time and attention.

Tomorrow is another day.

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